We were tired. We had been working on our case presentation for days. Mike (not his real name) shared with me over beers that evening that his dad was sick. Days later, Mike let me know that his father had passed over the weekend. He had to take a quick trip to NYC for the funeral but returned rather quickly because we had so much work due in graduate school. As someone who also lost my dad at a young age, I could imagine Mike's heartache. My heart bled for Mike.
That is until a few months later, Mike announced he had to fly to NYC to meet his dad. I looked at Mike quizzically. It was clear he didn’t remember. I filed it away. That and a few other things didn’t add up about Mike. Over time I labeled Mike as being a “compulsive liar”. I grew weary of spending time with Mike. Eventually, I stopped returning Mike’s calls. Once I was done with graduate school, I fully ghosted Mike. I didn’t want anything to do with a compulsive liar – end of the story.
That is until a few years later, another graduate school friend told me Mike had died suddenly. What? So strange. He was well under 40 at the time. I had not heard about Mike’s passing. I was sorry to hear that. I had lost touch with Mike [intentionally].
I don’t like how the whole situation played out. My labeling of Mike as a compulsive liar was rooted in observation. But as I’ve grown older, I’ve understood that labels should be provisional. Don’t get me wrong; I am not saying we don’t want to use labels. We arrive at labels almost automatically. The mind is a giant automatic labeling machine. But often, we label based on partial or incomplete pictures. It's like those Gestalt pictures.
What do we see, really?
So, although I have no new information, in retrospect, I wish I had handled Mike’s labels with a bit more care. A bit more like a scientist. Is my hypothesis correct? Mike was “smart”, “funny”, “loyal” but also appeared to be a “liar”. What could explain these conflicting labels? Maybe I should have asked Mike – “hey, what’s the deal, dude? Your story doesn’t add up”.
As I’ve grown older, I’ve been surprised by what we often don’t know — even about people we hold near and dear.
So, by all means, go ahead and use labels, but please, handle them with care!
